Depression can weigh on many aspects of people’s lives, and that includes romantic relationships and marriage, research shows.
Although the exact causes of relationship strain vary from couple to couple, one key reason may be that common symptoms of depression — such as irritability, loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, fatigue, and lack of energy — can affect a relationship.
For instance, “Some individuals who experience depression may feel guilty about not having the energy to spend time with their partner, but they may also feel stuck due to their depressive symptoms,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a New York City–based clinical psychologist and an adviser for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. “Although they know that doing things with their partner will be good for them, they sometimes do not have the mental and physical energy.”
If depression is negatively affecting your relationship, it’s important to work together with your partner to address it. In fact, not doing so can have serious consequences. One study of more than 20,200 Norwegian married couples, published in 2015 in BMC Public Health, showed that rates of divorce are significantly higher among couples in which one partner experiences some form of mental distress, such as depression, than in couples in which neither partner experiences mental distress.
Here are five signs that depression is taking a toll on your relationship (plus, five tips for lessening its impact).
1. You’re No Longer Doing Activities You Both Used to Love
Anhedonia — loss of interest, enjoyment, or pleasure in things once enjoyed — is a hallmark symptom of depression, according to Cleveland Clinic.
If you have depression, the condition can affect all parts of your life, including activities you used to find fun and that once made you happy, per Cleveland Clinic. This can be difficult for some partners without depression to understand.
“If the couple usually enjoys going out together for movies, dinner, time with mutual friends, and one partner withdraws from these activities because of depression, it may become a point of contention for the other partner,” says Stacey Neal, MD, a psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Baltimore.
2. You Experience Self-Esteem Issues That Negatively Affect the Relationship
Depression is linked to low self-esteem and self-criticism, according to Mayo Clinic. It can make some people with the condition feel like there’s something wrong with them, and that other people around them — including their partner — are judging them, explains Dr. Lira de la Rosa. As a result, some people with depression may also question whether their partner truly wants to be in a relationship with them, he adds.
“Some partners may internalize that something is wrong with them and may feel that their partner does not find them desirable,” says Lira de la Rosa. “This can translate to them spending a lot of time alone and perhaps saying no to their partner when they would like to do some activities together.”
3. You Isolate More From Your Partner
Some people with depression may become withdrawn, even from family and loved ones, according to Mayo Clinic.
“For instance, this can lead to someone with depression not sharing with their partner that they are going through a tough time or asking for support from their partner,” says Lira de la Rosa. “As a result, the other person in the relationship may not be aware of what is happening or know how to best support their partner.”
Having support from loved ones can be a key part of managing depression, and becoming isolated from others can worsen your symptoms, according to Mayo Clinic.
4. You and Your Partner Have More Frequent Misunderstandings
While all couples have conflict — and some conflict can be healthy, experts say — conflicts tend to happen more frequently among couples in which one partner has depression. Research shows that many people with depression have more negative interactions than positive interactions with their spouse or partner, compared with people without depression.
One potential reason: Heightened irritability and sensitivity are common symptoms of depression. Sometimes in relationships, these symptoms can cause issues that may seem small or innocuous to one partner — like playful teasing, for example — to be misconstrued by the partner with depression, says Dr. Neal.
Another common type of misunderstanding, which Lira de la Rosa often sees among his patients, has to do with not knowing the best ways to support each other. For instance, the partner with depression might feel that their partner doesn’t check in on them in ways that they find helpful, or that their partner doesn’t care. “When in reality, the other partner may have tried to check in and offer support and it was rejected,” says Lira de la Rosa.
“This then creates a cycle of someone feeling that they are not getting the support they need, but they may not see that their behavior and emotions may push supportive people away,” he adds.
5. You and Your Partner Are Less Intimate Than You Used to Be
If you find that depression is hindering your sex life, you’re not alone. Depression leads to sexual dysfunction in almost 83 percent of women and 63 percent of men with the condition, research shows.
This can happen for several reasons, including symptoms such as fatigue and lack of energy. What’s more, certain antidepressants can weaken sex drive, cause erectile dysfunction, or make it difficult to reach orgasm, per Mayo Clinic.
If depression is negatively affecting your sex life, it can pose several challenges for a relationship. Sexual problems may be something you find distressing, which in turn may exacerbate your depressive symptoms. Or, for instance, some partners may not understand why sex has dwindled and could feel confused or even hurt as a result.
RELATED: How to Have a Healthy Sex Life if Depression Is Getting in the Way
