How to Get Over a Breakup: 7 Tips from Therapists -

7 Tips for Coping When a Relationship Ends

The pain you feel may be temporary, but that doesn’t make it easy. We asked psychologists for advice on how to cope. Here are seven tips to help you get through.

1. Keep Taking Care of Yourself

When you’re bogged down with feelings of despair, it can be hard to think clearly. It’s likely you aren’t thinking about your own well-being at all. But this is when it’s most important. Some older research shows that breakups can lead to insomnia and compromised immune function. Harding suggests focusing on the basics. Keep up with your exercise routine, sleep well, eat a healthy diet, and maintain positive social connections.

2. Write a Letter to Your Ex

“I often have clients write a letter to their ex-partner thanking them for what they gained in the relationship and saying goodbye,” Leader says. This exercise is adapted from the book Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and it could give you the closure you need.

Leader says she has couples share the letter when they’re in couple’s therapy for separation, but it doesn’t have to be shared with your ex. For most people, the benefit comes from writing out your thoughts and closing that chapter. It’s about putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper for yourself, in order to help you move on.

3. Surround Yourself With People You Love

Your heart may be telling you to stay in bed and ignore the world outside, but getting out will likely make you feel better. One study found social interactions can protect against feelings of loneliness and depression. It’s important to note that this study looked at a general population sample, rather than specifically people in a post break-up state.

“Lean on your support system,” Leader says. Let your friends support you so you can have extra love around you. Say yes to invitations, whether it’s to catch up over lunch or a coffee, or just to hang out on the couch.

4. Expect Healing to Take Time

The harsh truth is that feeling better is probably going to take some time. You may even have a string of good days before something triggers you and puts you right back where you started. “Recovering doesn’t always happen linearly, and sometimes strong emotions show up out of the blue,” Harding says. “Please know this is to be expected.” Emotions may come in waves, with a good few days leading way to a tough one.

It’s also possible you won’t ever get over this person completely, and that’s normal too, Harding says. The key is to learn to carry on. “Loss is a part of the education of the human heart,” Harding says.

5. Feel the Feelings

“Whatever you experience, just please know it’s okay to have the feelings you have,” Harding says. And if you think about it, simply having those feelings shows your openness to love. “The fact that you have the capacity to feel so deeply is a wonderful prognosis for your next relationship,” Harding says. “Breakups, rejection, and loss are painful, and they make us more empathetic to others.”

Rather than push the negative feelings away, talk about them head-on with a friend, therapist, family member, or mentor. “Writing your feelings out, even for 10 to 15 minutes at a time several days in a row, can make a world of difference,” Harding says. “You can even tear up the piece of paper afterwards if you like.”

6. Do Something Kind for Someone Else

Sometimes it can be helpful to get out of your own head and focus on someone or something else. One study found that distraction was an effective post-breakup strategy, especially for increasing positive emotions.

Harding suggests that doing something kind for someone else can deliver an instant mood boost and put your troubles in perspective.

“For example, volunteering is a great way to help recover from a breakup,” she suggests. “You can also organize volunteering with a friend who is going through a breakup if they are willing.”

7. Seek Professional Help

While it’s normal and necessary for it to take time before you feel like yourself again, not improving as time passes can be worrisome. “If days turn into weeks that you’re having trouble functioning at work or in school, please go talk to someone,” Harding says.

Seek out a counselor or therapist to talk things through. Harding also suggests calling a free and confidential warmline, which is a listening phone service staffed by people who are recovering from mental health issues, if you don’t have anyone in your life you can share openly with. “Just remember you are not alone, and talking to someone can help,” Harding says.

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