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Who’s the Idiot Here? – SF Weekly

I am a gay man in his 40s and have been married to my husband for 9 years. Early in our relationship, there was a slight unfaithfulness on his part (exchanging photos and flirting with another man in text). I confronted him then, and he lied to me. It was early in the relationship, so I decided to let it go. After a few years of fast forward, he will get the crab and give it to me. He told me it was most likely from the volunteer work he was doing in the homeless shelter. I let go again.

Fast-forwarding a few more years, I felt uneasy and looked at his iPad and found confirmation that he was sleeping with a man who exchanged photos and frivolous texts early in our relationship. .. This caused me to suffer from severe depression. All my concerns over the years have been confirmed, and further investigation reveals that there was another man he was having sex with. He admitted all of this only after I showed him evidence.

I chose to forget to forgive. The pain was so great that I couldn’t deal with it and I just wanted to go ahead and return to our lives. At that time we talked about building an open relationship and I told him it was cool, but I wasn’t cool to share my life with someone who was lying so easily did. We mutually decided that opening a relationship was not a great idea and never discussed it again. The last four years have been great and I’m happy to have decided to overcome this. We never fight, our sex life is good, we have a great home and social life. For years I didn’t feel the need to detect his device. I felt relieved in our relationship. Two weeks ago, after he gave me crabs (again), I discovered that he had crabs (again). He says he doesn’t know how to get them. This has clearly brought his history of lies and cheating to the forefront, and I question so many things. I feel that the only way to get the truth is to find evidence and fuck it. I’m not going back to scrutinizing his phone and device. If I am staying, I am staying. But should I stay? Are all the unfaithfulness of the past controversial at this point as we put them behind us? Can this new crab case be seen alone? Can crabs spread to the genitals during an erotic massage? Or is it an idiot whose husband is having sex with him all the time we are together?

— — Scratch the head and meat

Whether you stay or not depends on what you allow, SHAM. You gladly tolerated marrying a man who had deceived you in the distant past. Is it acceptable to marry the man who is most likely to be fooling you lately? Given his achievements, will you probably fool you again in the future?

Answer that question, SHAM, and you will know what to do.

For SHAM, the new case of crabs, it’s certainly possible that your husband got them during a pointless massage — if the place wasn’t clean, re-wash the towels and sheets. Massage table if used or not disinfected. I don’t know why I want to get a massage in such a dirty place, but my husband may not be so smart.

But I have to say … It seems much more likely that your husband, who lied to your face the last time you got the crab, lied to you again. Crabs—pubic lice—are most often transmitted during pubic and pubic contact. For example, a person who has crabs grinds his crotch against the crotch of a person who does not have crabs, and both have crabs. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband has sex with a bodyworker. He may have obtained one of the full body contact massages, which involves a masseuse stripping the client’s entire body and rubbing the entire body. This type of massage is considered sensual, but the husband can feel (and rationalize) differently. ..

Now let’s move on and assume the worst. Your husband didn’t stop fooling you. That is, your husband is the same person he was always with. Maybe he’s one of those who really wants to be monogamous and feels terrible every time he has sex behind you. Or he may be one of the selfish jerks who don’t want an honest and open relationship, as he means giving you the same freedom. Whatever it is, SHAM, he is unlikely to change. So what do you do?

Leaving him means giving up everything about your marriage you’re enjoying — 10 years of good sex life, generally less conflicting intimacy, the house you built together, you Shared social life. But if staying makes you feel like a fool, SHAM, your anger (justification) and resentment (ibid.) Will eventually ruin what you enjoy about your marriage.

To be clear, SHAM, I don’t think staying means you’re an idiot. But if you decide to stay, you will have to reconcile who your husband is. Not for him, but for you. I didn’t think he was fooling you, so I don’t think you stopped looking for his iPad and phone as evidence, so reconcile with it again. You stopped because you didn’t want to know if he was there.

If you stay, SHAM, you may keep thinking that he is endangering his marriage when your husband cheats. It won’t stop him — it’s never been, right? —But your husband is less likely to seize every opportunity to come his way if he thinks he is at risk of marriage. If he does not give the DADT card or tell him that he has settled with the cheating SHAM, he will try to be cautious and be careful to use condoms with others to avoid exposure. continue. You to a more serious STI. (I say “keep your attention”, because if he’s been fooling you all the time and just brought the crab home, SHAM, he’s probably using a condom with others You would have been careful.)

For the record, SHAM, I’m a fan of ethical non-monogamy, so I don’t think this solution is ideal — reconcile with who your husband is, but don’t tell him —. But you never intend to get ethical non-monogamy from your husband. You will continue to get what you have been doing. If it is unacceptable, if you can’t live with it, you should definitely leave. If you can live with it, you may be able to stay if you can ignore what you have known for a long time and resume.

Good luck.


Who do you think should pay for Plan B if the condom breaks?

— — Resolve this argument

government.


I am about to start a new sexual relationship with a paraplegic man. (We are in our late twenties and if that matters Sith Het.) He hasn’t had a sexual partner since his injury, so now he has the opportunity to experiment with what works for him. There wasn’t much. He told me that he had no sensations under his navel. I don’t know if he was able to achieve an erection after he became paraplegic, but he said he couldn’t orgasm since it happened. We hope you (or your experts and readers) have some advice and resources for us. I want to make sure that the experience is as satisfying as possible for him.

— — Delicate personal issues need investigation

Read Spinalcord.com’s blog post, “Survival of Romance After Spinal Cord Injury.” There are some great insights, SPINEs, and many useful links.

My advice: You want a satisfying sexual experience with this guy — for the first time since his injury — and that’s great. But if you don’t do everything about his penis, you’re more likely to have a positive experience. His penis, SPINE should not be ignored, but he needs to enter this encounter, believing that he can have a rewarding and successful sexual experience without having to be hard or climax. there is.

It will take some time for him to understand what works now, what he needs to do, and what he needs to get off. Meanwhile, SPINE, tongue, arms and hands work. And non-PIV sex, or other types of sex without one or more erections, is not a sad comfort award. They satisfy the sexual experience for everyone involved, and equally importantly, they can excel whether he is now erected or not. If you want to be confident in his body and abilities and get out of the first sexual experience after an injury, focus on mutual joy, not on the cook.


mail@savagelove.net
Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.
www.savagelovecast.com



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