John Boston | A Resumé That Screams: ‘Don’t Hire This Guy!!’

On the smart set, some find Leonardo da Vinci to be the most creative person in history. Leo also invented the world’s first resume.

The word is French and means “summary”. Around 1481, Da Vinci (I pronounce it — duhhhhhhh-VIN-kee) wrote a summary of his abilities in the form of a letter, which was his future employer, Ludovico Maria, Duke of Milan.・ Presented to Sforza. The Italian aristocrat became a patron of Leonardo and asked him to sketch the Last Supper.

Two coats, no primer, as old jokes go.

At the beginning of the 20th century, resumes contained information such as height, weight, marriage history, and religion. In my lifetime, I have filled out millions. Under some “ethnicity”, I printed “HUNTER / GATHERER” in bold letters that I struggled with.

So who will check it?

The first testimonial I have collected so far was from my best friend Phil Lanier.Or, as my schizophrenic mom was talking to him, “It’s Poor Phil Lanier … “I was working for Phil. He was the editor of Signal Sports and I was his lazy stringer. Clipse. It was this fall 50 years ago. At the same time, I was the NBC news director of Callsign — VCCT, Santa Clarita’s first television station.

Viet Cong cable TV.

Brass hated me calling their primitive media outlets “Viet Cong cable TV,” especially during the broadcast. Ruth Newhall, Editor-in-Chief of The Mighty Signal, didn’t like me.She rarely missed an opportunity and reminded me she didn’t like me as I rewrote the signal news article and had it read by our dumb Hayseed newscaster. (Insert a full-fledged bass reverb) — —

live — Santa Clarita Evening News !!!

Sorry. The signal was once every three weeks, so NBC-VCCT had only a decent news show on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Tuesday and Thursday? We promise our viewers to keep an eye on the latest updates tomorrow.

Not surprisingly, Ruth hated it. And me. so. It looked good when Phil submitted his notice-certainly I was the obvious choice to replace him as a sports editor. I invented my resume (not to mention I was a skilled news stealing news director on the 4th block of the boulevard) from a dog catcher in SCV Volunteer County and a former member of the COC Pep team. I presented Ruth with a meaningless letter of recommendation. I asked Tony, the son of Ruth, the publisher of The Signal, for written approval.

Tony said “no” and there was a bad word before that.

Phil’s letter was free, but it didn’t help. Please judge for yourself. Phil writes: (My birth certificate / slave name) A snappy dresser, a talented dancer, and unobtrusive … ”

Hardy. Har. Har. Har.

Phil said: “As a former Soviet nuclear submarine commander, Cieplik has untested leadership skills that fold under pressure.” Apparently, I also owned a llama. And he was good at grazing it. I don’t remember serving in my mother’s Russian Navy, nor do I remember Phil’s claim that I was “… an addendum junior taster to the vodka factory that blackens the kidneys.”

Or, my memory was fried from all that substandard potato alcohol, which is why I can’t remember the days of camel ranches in South America.

I’m the editor of a way like mwa-ha-ha-ha where I can dance, and there’s no way to convince the most intelligent, feared, and vengeful Ruth Newhall on the planet. In addition, it would have given Ruth the opportunity to point out Katharine Hepburn’s voice in her trembling. dance Better than you write… ”

“Damn” is silent, but implied.

Years and work are gone. I collected humble achievements and ignored embarrassing detours between attempts to conquer the world. A helium-filled resume swelled. I made something really cool for creative and non-cowboy type positions. It was a smooth, thick 4-page fold. The cover page had the headline “Meet John Boston”. Below was the subheading: “He wants to help you earn a few dollars for your company.” In the middle, I rubberized a fresh, refreshing $ 2 bill.

I suspect that the secretary mainly put $ 2 in his pocket and canned my resume. Still. The resume opened some doors that no one wanted to open.Once upon a time, I had a discussion with a Universal Pictures executive Absent Hire me why? He was a number man. As I get closer to the numbers, I can actually hear them suffering and crunching. I waved his hand and thanked him for not hiring me. strange. He seemed disappointed.

Another time, it was a miserable Santa Clarita August day, and I was cleaning up the tractor Balanka. It was like a breaded donut soaked with soot, sweat and oil. My wife at the time rushed out into the Beverly Hills megasuit with the message that she wanted to see me for an interview right away. I took a desperate wire brush shower, jumped into a monkey suit and asked my ex-wife of the future.A thin tie or a big fat tie En Vogue I hadn’t worn it for years, so I shaved it with a hunting knife on my way to BH and crossed the three mountains at record speed.

This guy’s office was on the top floor of a skyscraper and was perfect for a Bond movie villain. He hired two long-legged (four) gorgeous secretaries in the living room outside and rushed out of his office to greet me. I had the whiskey goblet he poured and we chatted amiably. He couldn’t stop complimenting me and my resume. Something I’ve been skeptical of for the rest of my life, he said: “The world will be your oyster,” which is actually a sticky time / space warp of “where the oyster ends and where do I start?” It is a continuum. A kind of concept.

“Adios, a tractor. A useless middle manager, I’m here!”

Then he looked at his watch, apologized for having to catch his private jet, and hurried down to Rolls-Royce, sitting on a leather couch with whiskey and waiting. afternoon.

I applied for a job once. Under “RACE:”, I wrote “a new kind of pioneer …”.

Could not get that position.

I don’t want that either …

John Boston is a local writer. And the captain of a former Russian nuclear submarine of Cracker Jack.

John Boston | A Resumé That Screams: ‘Don’t Hire This Guy!!’ Source link John Boston | A Resumé That Screams: ‘Don’t Hire This Guy!!’

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