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Funny Papers Again Column | All’s Fair in Love’n the Fair War – Salinas Valley Tribune

(NOTE: After completing this column, I was informed that there will be no talent show at this year’s Salinas Valley Fair, but I’m going with this anyway. —SCW)

If the title of this week’s Funny Papers Again confuses or confuses you, think about how I feel like the guy who came up with it, and I’m not sure it makes sense either. But I’ll try to explain it and maybe that will help us, maybe.

The War Fair is my dark reference to the talent contest that is usually held on Friday night at the upcoming Salinas Valley Fair. It works if you consider a contest as a small war between individuals seeking to prevail and receive cash recognitions and awards, according to being voted third, second or (drum) first in their respective category.

This is a one-off live performance in front of an audience, including judges, on an outdoor stage usually with a cold wind (OK, always with a cold wind) and with the views, sounds, smells and general uproar of the Fair everywhere. That’s a challenge for any performer, and performers love a challenge; it adds money and only slightly increases the artistic fervor, or two.

Now, the reason I mention this is because many of the competitors in most talent contests are singers and many of these warblers choose songs that are well known, at least well known by their age group.

So I think if the words in a song can be known, then there’s no reason why the words in my stand-up routine shouldn’t be known as well; so here is my entry for the next talent show:

“I thought it was time to get off the bike and get into a four-wheeled vehicle, so I went to a lot of used cars; or so I thought. But when I got to the business, I was told that it wasn’t in a used car lot, but that it was actually a used car outdoor showroom. I could be wrong. I looked down and saw asphalt, I looked up and saw the blue sky, I even had a sun on it.

“I was informed of this fact by a nervous little man who greeted me as soon as I entered the lot, sorry, in the exhibition hall. I was looking at a nice little car and the young man informed me that it had been “previously owned” by an elderly couple; of course. I was still reeling about how something could be “secondary” but not “used” when this bird interrupts my thoughts by saying, “Maybe you’d like to take an exam trip …”. Exam excursion. Yes, a driving test, right? Okay, of course, let’s go hiking.

“Everything was fine for a couple of residential and commercial streets; I am checking all the electrical equipment to see if they work and the last thing I checked was the window control. The four were downstairs and one by one (they are from each window, clockwise); the four of them went up, but a minute later I smelled in the car a growing smell, a real stench.

“I thought, ‘Oh, that’s all, that’s why the low price, something or someone died in this thing,’ and when I turned around and mentioned this, the guy – I’m not kidding – wanted this sale so badly that he came back to me and He said to me, “That’s not the car, sir, it’s me. the car.

“Everything went well for a week, 10 days, two weeks, but after three weeks I noticed that things under the hood were starting to come out: the alternator didn’t change, the carburetor didn’t fuel, the pistons didn’t (pantomime). from the “dead” microphone, looks sideways bewildered, plays and receives sound, continues) the pistons did not fire … (to the audience member) “What did you think would come? This is a family place. Shame on you, sir / madam.

“Now I don’t know what that little salesman thought when he saw the ‘used car’ go back to his’ outdoor showroom ‘in a tow truck, but when he ran out to stop it, I went out and said,’ This is a Garbage, you sold me this car. He interrupted me with a raised hand and said, “I didn’t sell you a car, sir, you bought a car.” no words, just a scream.

“The next thing that came out of my mouth was another setup for this little twerp, but I said it anyway, ‘Look, you have a store and mechanics, right?’ “We have car maintenance bays and professional car technicians, sir.” question the use of the word.

“You know the rest of the story, don’t you? It was going to cost me three times as much as I originally paid for the car. weeks, nothing, but about three weeks later I looked up and down the street, didn’t I? – It was the same car, a college girl behind the wheel with a big smile on her face, p … I’m running out of time? You’re a big audience. G’night. “

And there you have it all. Now, if my amateur delivery is good and worth some money, I will visit Long Branch. Take care. Peace.

Funny Papers Again Column | All’s Fair in Love’n the Fair War – Salinas Valley Tribune Source link Funny Papers Again Column | All’s Fair in Love’n the Fair War – Salinas Valley Tribune

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